glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
