why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
