Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
We named our party play list daddy issues
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
