Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
