how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
