I wish I only lived at night.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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