I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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