You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
