And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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