I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
