new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
