so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
