How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
