I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
