when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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