you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
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