Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
