After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
