Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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