So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
