I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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