I accidentally had phone sex last night
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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