No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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