New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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