tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
