last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
