I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
