mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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