Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
