im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
