I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
