His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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