i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
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