Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
