i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
