did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
