Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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