She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
