i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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