He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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