I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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