dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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