He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
