went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
