Your face is a jimmy john
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
