I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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