i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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