We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
