I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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