She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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