you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
