YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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