My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
