I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
worst night to have a conscience
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
