when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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