i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
