remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
