i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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