We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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